I've been keeping a secret from you guys.
But, it's not a good secret.
And, I've been going back & forth for about a month now about whether or not to tell you guys. Because at first, I didn't even want to talk about it.
Like at all.
Well, I'm still not sure.
So, here goes nothing.
On February 7th, Matt & I found out we were expecting a baby. I was only a few days late & the idea that I could be pregnant never even crossed my mind.
Until one night, while in bed, I tried to roll over on my stomach & my boobs HURT SO BAD, I wanted to cut them off. Not sure what was going on there, I rolled over to my side.
And, then, it hit me.
I'm late, my boobs hurt...OMIGOD. I could be pregnant.
I waited until I got up to get ready for work to take a PG test.
Two pink lines popped up within 15 seconds.
I couldn't believe it.
1 & 1/2 years after losing our 1st baby, I was finally pregnant again.
I woke Matt up & showed him the test. And, then I called my OB-GYN, who told me to come in that morning for a blood test.
I did. And, about 3pm, my nurse called me to tell me that it was positive. I let out a huge sigh of relief & then called Matt to tell him the good news.
But, because of my miscarriage back in 2006, we were extremely cautious. We both knew that this could turn bad in a second. We hoped it didn't, but we knew it was a very real possibility.
I had to wait until Monday (the 11th) to get my progesterone level. It was a 20. The nurse said that was great & my doctor saw no reason to put me on progesterone supplements. (My 1st pregnancy, my progesterone level was an 11. I started taking supplements, but, it never got above 18).
Matt & I decided to take one day at a time. We prayed. We talked. We hoped. And, for the rest of that week, we almost thought we might actually get a baby out of all this.
Turns out, we were wrong.
On Friday, (the 15th) I started bleeding. I immediately called my doctor & Matt & I went in for an ultrasound. He said he saw what appeared to be an early pregnancy (at this point, I was 5 weeks, 5 days). We saw a sac the size of a small bubble.
Our doctor said the only way to tell what was happening was by testing my hormone levels in my blood. But, I had to wait until Monday for the results.
So, we left the office with not good news, but not bad news.
Somehow, we made it through the weekend. I stopped bleeding Saturday night. But, then I got sick. I woke up early Monday morning with fever (later diagnosed as Bronchitis). So, I stayed home from work.
Around 11am, my doctor called & told me what I had already come to realize.
I had miscarried. With the bleeding & extremely low hormone levels, he told me the pregnancy had ended.
I felt raw.
I can't talk about those days following the miscarriage right now. Maybe later on, I can write a post about it...not right now.
What makes this so hard is that a co-worker of mine is pregnant. I was supposed to be 5 weeks behind her. Her pregnancy is moving along smoothly.
I'm happy for her.
But, I'm also jealous.
Jealous because she's still pregnant. And, because she's starting to show. And, because her pregnancy is THE ONLY THING PEOPLE AT WORK WILL TALK ABOUT.
Granted, only a few people at work know about my miscarriage, which means the rest of them have no idea that when they ask my co-worker how she's feeling, they are tearing me apart.
I can't ask them to stop talking about my co-workers pregnancy. That's not fair. It's her right to enjoy & talk about it...and, it's their right to ask questions & comment on her expanding belly.
So, I sit there & try to think about something else until the conversation's over.
(By the way, one of those people who know about my miscarriage is my pregnant co-worker).
Besides Matt, my other source of strength in this has been Kim. I told her the day I found out I was pregnant & then I un-told her the day I found out I miscarried.
Kim & I have never met face to face, nor have we talked on the phone, but I think I speak for both of us when I say that when we "met" through our blogs, we instantly "clicked".
Our friendship has only grown stronger over the past several months. We've cheered for each other, been sad for each other, prayed for each other & supported each other.
Since my miscarriage, I've had good days & bad days.
Monday was a VERY BAD DAY. When my co-worker came into our news meeting, everyone noticed that her belly had grown A LOT over the weekend.
And, everyone commented on it...which is totally normal, but totally NOT what I needed to hear. I barely made it through the rest of the meeting, before I went to the bathroom & cried.
I really just wanted to hit something (a wall, a door, whatever) until it hurt as much as I hurt.
After 15 minutes or so, I collected myself & went back to my desk & finished out the day.
Of course, I told Matt how I was feeling. But, I also wanted to tell Kim. I had to wait until I got home that night to e-mail her though because the afternoon was pretty busy.
When I opened up my computer, I saw an e-mail from her. She was just checking in with me to see how things were going. Ironic, huh? It's just part of that connection we have.
I sent her a long e-mail about my day & afterwards, I felt better because I had been able to put my feelings into words.
Little did I know, she was plotting a surprise for me. After e-mailing Matt & getting my work address, this beautiful bouquet of flowers was delivered to me today.
When the receptionist called me to say I had a delivery, I was thinking, "Ok, it's not my birthday. It's not my anniversary. Hmmmm?".
Then, I read the card.
And, I cried. But, this time, I cried happy tears. Kim said she just wanted to brighten my day.
That she did.
I can't believe she did this. I mean, to actually send me flowers...it just means so much to me. Like I really can't even put it into words how much it means to me.
And, the bouquet even has purple roses mixed in..MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FLOWER.